A friend was in need a few weeks ago; he was in the hospital and in a bad way. and I went to help. I would have and will do it again in a heartbeat because they mean the world to me.
But helping them involved doing some stressful things for me. Hospitals mean booming acoustics and their minimal personal touches in the name of clinical efficiency. My routine was screwed, and there involved a lot of logistical thinking, a kind of Think I Detest.
Hospitals, in short, make the very inside of my head rattle painfully, and logistical stuff makes everything hurt more.
I was so tired for about 4 days afterward. Bone-tired. And I get like this every time something like this happens.
I feared that my inability to give my all will somehow mean that I am now invisible. I am faded. I make myself endless cups of tea because tea is a comfort and actually an achievement; when I am like this, executive dysfunction is at its worst.
I was for want of a better phrase, useless. I can sit for hours, in the same position, wondering how I was able to move and talk, just hours previously.
Helpfully, the more I have to do, the worse it gets, and the more likely I am to refuse to look at what I need to do; I fear movement for fear of disappointment. So I still sit.
I fear the things I Meant to Get Done as if they are living things.
Each day then becomes ridiculously scary, until it is finally time to Not Function each night. Then, blessed relief, only to wake up again a few hours hence.
It’s a long, heartbreaking life when you are not in the habit of living.