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How not to surprise an Autie

tl;dr: you can surprise an Autie, but only under fairly low-pressure circumstances, depending on the person; …soap opera??

I unexpectedly saw one of my best friends when visiting another friend… and I don’t mind telling you, that seeing the former was a joyful, nerve-jangling shock of almighty shit-storm proportions.

So big was the shock, and so low were the emotional defenses that I didn’t even react; in fact, I think imploded emotionally and shut down, relying on well-practiced behaviours for the rest of the holiday. And no, not all of these behaviours were appropriate for either myself, the situation nor parties involved; but behaviours were done because I didn’t know what else to do… and I’m so sorry. [Damn you Grammarly I’ll spell behaviour with a U if I want to! bloody Americans… ]

Anyway, I digress. At this point, I just want to say that Autistics and surprises actually can mix, depending heavily on the person and the situation.

With me, I just feel I need to be in a ‘ballpark’ of knowing how to act/react in social situations, even if I don’t get it right all the time. This kind of ‘planning’ takes away some of the anxiety. So having even a tiny clue that something out of the ordinary is about to happen is good.

What happens when this kind of clue is missing, then?

Well, it’s kinda like this: think of an administrator, who is in charge of the filing of and retrieving instructions in response to social responses to situations, suddenly is notified of a surprise inspection by That Scary Boss, complete with Guantanamo Bay lights and cheesy Hollywood-esque music.

And this administrator hasn’t even had their morning coffee yet.

You see, I hadn’t seen this person in over a year, owing to them living in *Not The UK*. I also had major feelings for them; for years I had tried to hide how I felt because there was no WAY it would be reciprocated. You see, I Don’t Deserve Nice Things.

Precisely this went through my head:

“Hmm Emily has a friend that looks like this person.. wait, absolutely NOBODY looks like them, and it IS them… they’re here to see me, and they surprised ME, which means…

ERMAGHERD THEY FUKKIN LOVE ME! THEY WANT TO BE WIT– wait a minute, this isn’t Hollywood, and you’re you [see above]. Why would they want you? You’re broken/wrong–

Etc and ad infinitum.

I can’t actually say their name stupidly enough, to you or anybody, without the hurt coming with it, a hurt borne of many missed opportunities with this person.

So Imma call them Voldemort instead.

My Funny Voldemort…

Anyway; a very long story was to unfurl between myself and Voldemort, even after we part ways at the end of the holiday; we to and fro about various Stuff and Things, for months, more and more heatedly over BASTARD Facebook (srsly don’t do Serious People-ing over Facebook, it doesn’t work)… until all speaking/engaging stops.

RIP: Christmas Day 2017. 

Christ, it still hurts; here I am still mourning a friendship I never thought I’d see change, let alone tear apart so spectacularly. I had a plan see: I was going to be that Steadfast Friend that would never leave Voldemort’s side because we were, like, totally ‘bros’. And that was it. 4eva, bbz xoxoxox ❤

Every day, I miss telling Voldemort about my day, and hearing about theirs… but I can’t go back; if we talked again I would have to again repress the feelings and now the hurt I feel, and it would lie unacknowledged and burning under my very skin.

How could I/they hurt and get hurt so badly? I am so disappointed in both of us, and I simply don’t know how we can move past this.

One thing I do know is that there’s a Goddamn cockroach-hope that things will get better between us which still persists; this cockroach probably best crushed underfoot, according to many of my *remaining* friends.

….and yet the hopeless romantic in me doth protest, and just wants to give Voldemort a call to see their fabulous face again… and in doing so, give that cock roach a little food-bed and call it Geoff.